90s Product Review: The Technodrome

Posted on May 18, 2012 by Zilla

At the height of their popularity, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ruled the world. From cereals to video games to international musical stage tours to snack cakes, there was no medium those green bastards wouldn’t infiltrate.

Their most successful foray of all, however, was into the world of toys. Hundreds of different figures were produced and some of them were even re-released recently for another round of children and nostalgically-geeky adults like myself to snatch up and cradle in sublime solemnity.

Despite all of the interesting characters like the Rat King and Mondo Gecko, it was the playsets that really reigned supreme. There was the aptly-named Turtle Van, their dingy sewer hideout, the Turtle Blimp, and many others that littered the carpeted floors of many a kid’s bedroom in the 90s.

All of that aside, those figures and playsets had absolutely nothing on the epitome of amazing Ninja Turtle toys. This wasn’t just a playset, this was a dream come true. This was the toy that marked many people’s most memorable Christmas morning ever. This was the most magical, inspiring piece of colored plastic ever to grace the shelves of a local KB Toys, Kiddie City, or Toys R Us. This was the one toy to rule them all. This was THE TECHNODROME.

Everyone remembers Krang and Shredder’s interdimensional, all-terrain, cycloptic battle fortress from the Ninja Turtles cartoon show. Its imposing silhouette haunts the dreams of reptiles, rats, and amphibians to this very day. Overflowing with robotic defenses, horrific trap, and futuristic computer consoles, this was no ordinary hideout. The toy released in 1990 did not disappoint in its own scope either.

It wasn’t just that it looked like the Technodrome from the show, but it also had all the bells and whistles that one would expect from something called the Technodrome. It was a breeze to put together despite its complex appearance and even the most Tim Taylor-ish of accident-prone Dads had an easy time putting this magnificent masterpiece together on Christmas eve.

Although the villains usually get shafted when it comes to cool toys, the Technodrome was nothing short of impressive. Standing at over a foot tall, the “Gigantic Double-decker Mobile Fortress” was very accurate to its show appearance, especially on the outside. Complete with rolling tank treads, a giant eye that could detach and smash enemies, and several intimidating blasters, it’s not hard to see why people were climbing over each for a chance to own one.

Its two sides opened out to reveal the inner part of the playset that included two rooms in each half. The one side held Shredder’s command center with view screen and a mad scientist-like mutation chamber with an ooze-deploying scanner. The other side held Krang’s throne room that lead through an escape hatch into the weapons cache.

The two entrances to the fortress lead to a jail cell for unlucky mutants. One was a spiked door and the other a secret entrance. There was also a brain scrambler disc that fit into the base of the playset and, when it was wound up, would make for an effective turtle torture device. Above the prison were two front and rear turrets where action figures could sit and man the guns while the bridge connecting the two sides of the playset housed a ship wheel that would activate the falling eye attack. There was certainly no lack of detail.

With all of its accurate intricacies, imagination, and potential for utilization in any number of kid-created hero/villain scenarios, this beloved toy stands atop all of the other products released with the Ninja Turtle moniker. There’s not a single negative to be said about the playset except that it is so hard to find nowadays. I’m happy to report that my Technodrome still sits safely packed away in a Rubbermaid bin in an unused bedroom. I don’t know how I could live with myself if I could never lay hands on this legend of 90s toy culture again.

Overall: 5/5

BONUS:

I managed to find the original toy commercial for the Technodrome on Youtube and it still makes me ravenously crave the damn thing. Enjoy.

Someday, I’ll get you, turtles!

90s Movie Review: My Girl

Posted on May 10, 2012 by Zilla

My home state of Pennsylvania is not featured terribly often as the setting for Hollywood films. However quaint, hick-ish, and boondocky the rest of the state may be, I hold much love for Philadelphia and the surrounding suburbs. Frankly, the rest of the state can go fuck itself with a rusty pair of toenail clippers.

Anyway, while Pennsylvania may not provide the most sought-after areas for exciting, hundred million dollar films, it gives filmmakers a humble, hometown feel that works well in certain contexts.

Set in Madison, Pennsylvania in the summer of 1972, My Girl is a film about growing up and coming to terms with death. Vada Sultenfuss is an atypical 11 year old girl. Her only friend is an allergic-to-everything geek named Thomas and her father, Harry, is a socially inept funeral director and widower.

Because the Sultenfuss residence doubles as a funeral parlor, Vada is faced with death and its mysteries from a very young age. On top of the funeral stuff, Vada is also dealing with the guilt of her mother’s death during her childbirth.

If all of those struggles weren’t enough for the poor girl, Shelley DeVoto comes into her life as her father’s new make-up artist for the dead. As Harry and Shelley’s relationship blossoms, Vada grows tired of her and the jealousy of their relationship and the fact that her long-time teacher infatuation, Mr. Bixler, is now engaged drives her to a near mental breakdown.

Things just seem to keep getting worse for little Vada as the film continues. Vada experiences her first period and can’t find the words to explain the situation to Harry. Also, after losing her prized mood ring during a swarming bee attack, Thomas returns to the scene to find it for her. As he scours the ground for his best friend’s ring, he is again attacked by the bees and dies from his allergy to their stings.

The emotional climax comes when Vada is pleading with everyone at Thomas’ funeral to put his glasses on him because “he can’t see without his glasses.” It’s one of the most heart-wrenching scenes in movie history and still makes me a little misty-eyed when I catch the film on cable TV. Shelley also reaches her boiling point and confronts Harry for being obsessed with death. She chastises him for ignoring the living, especially his own daughter.

In the midst of Vada’s tragic guilt and gloom, Harry finally explains to her that her mother’s death was in no way her fault. Thomas’ death turns out to be an important mending tool for the relationship between father and daughter and, while still a jarring loss for a young girl, cements the fact that she now has the support system of her father and Shelley. There is still room for hope in her life.

After meeting a new friend at the end of the film, Vada discovers that all of the pain of life is only temporary and that every day is a new beginning. It turns out that life is more than just a way of dealing with the reality of death. Isn’t it?

Overall: 4/5

Top 10 90s Saturday Morning Cartoons

Posted on May 5, 2012 by Zilla

Unlike teenagers, children have the sometimes-annoying habit of waking up at the buttcrack of dawn, full of energy. While their parents slumber in the last few moments of darkness before daybreak, their children are wide-eyed and running around the house without supervision.

However, it wasn’t mischief that these kids were after in the wee hours of the morning. Besides a giant bowl of Trix and a glass of pasteurized OJ, the only thing that mattered was CARTOONS.

Saturday mornings, in particular, were filled with a lineup of unforgettable, whacky animated entertainment to rot brains and influence violent behavior. Any child who grew up in the 90s remembers creeping out of bed and sneaking downstairs to catch these shows, and I’m sure they could easily rattle off a few favorites.

These were mine:

10. Eek! The Cat

While short-lived and somewhat forgettable, this was a cartoon I could never get enough of. It was about a skiddish tomcat named Eek trying to form a beautiful relationship with an obese pink feline, while her shark/dog hybrid companion did everything in his power to bite and growl and get in the way. As a bonus, the show also contained an equally-entertaining spin-off called The Thunder Lizards that told the tale of a group of sardonic caveman tormented by a gaggle of goofy dinosaurs.

9. The Real Ghostbusters

After the success of Harold Ramis’ unforgettable Ghostbusters movie, it wasn’t too surprising that they’d cash in on a cartoon show. Saturday morning was the perfect time for Slimer, Venkman, Egon, Ray, Winston to capture rogue ghosts in New York City. The show was a huge hit and the merchandising campaign that followed produced some of the coolest, most sought after toys that I can remember from my childhood. The popularity of the show was infectious enough to goad me into convincing my parents of purchasing their disgusting cereal incarnation.

8. Animaniacs

When I lived briefly in California, I used to think of these lovable bastards every time I drove past the Warner Brothers studios. Part of me always wondered if they did truly live in the water tower with bologna in their slacks. Yes, Yakko, Wakko, and Dot were a part of any 90s kid’s cartoon lineup. Whether you loved the Animaniacs themselves, the surly pigeons, or Pinky and the Brain, there were animated shorts for any taste. With the right blend of Looney Tunes-ish whackiness mixed with a dash of pop culture parody, it was the complete cartoon package.

7. Bobby’s World

Who knew a show about a child with a vivid imagination and a stuffed spider could be so endearing? Bobby’s adventures were always colorful and Add an overbearing mother, white trash sister, bully brother, idiotic uncle, and Howie Mandel for a father into the mix and you have the makings of an animated classic. While fairly shortlived and sometimes-overlooked, Bobby’s World was a cult classic with a rabid following and it always held a special place in my heart.

6. Garfield and Friends

Everyone recognizes the titular character of Jim Davis’ Garfield comic strip and his popularity was very apparent well before the cartoon show ever aired. However, I feel that Garfield and Friends and Garfield’s Christmas special were better incarnations of the character. Fully fleshed out and voiced by the late Lorenzo Music, the show was the perfect encapsulation of the lasagna-loving, sarcastic, dog-hating orange cat. Also, the show featured segments based Jim Davis’ lesser-known comic strip, US Acres. Personally, I equally loved the US Acres portion of the show and Sheldon was my favorite.

5. Muppet Babies
I don’t know who came up with the genius idea to make baby versions of internationally-known puppets, but it was a true stroke of genius. The show was about childhood versions of the already-lovable Muppets who lived together in a large nursery run by a pair of legs called Nanny. Nothing else is ever explained, oddly enough, but their misadventures were enough to distract anyone from whatever questions may arise. Much like Animaniacs and the original Muppet show, it drew heavily from pop culture parodies and slapstick. All of my favorite Muppets were accounted for and placing them in one room together only made them better. I loved this show.

4. Spiderman

Although there have been many, cornier versions of a Spiderman cartoon, this one took the cake as being seriously badass. This is the show that made the world fall in love with Venom, Carnage, and all of the symbiote’s victims. The origin story was intact and the assortment of notable bad guys made kids drool over every episode. From the Green Goblin to the clone saga, all the important parts of the Spiderman canon accounted for. Although the plotlines were edited and changed slightly for the sake of the children, they were still damn entertaining.

3. Batman: The Animated Series

When a cartoon series wins four Emmy Awards and is nominated for six others, you know it’s something special. Batman: The Animated Series is still the most perfectly-executed screen translation of Batman’s source material. Kevin Conroy’s Batman and Mark Hamill’s Joker are still unmatched in terms of spot-on performances. Being that Batman has one of the most interesting group of villains of any comic book hero, it was quite a feat that all of them were voiced and developed skillfully and faithfully. This had to be the best comic book cartoon of all time as well as one of the best animated series of all time. Yep, we were pretty fucking spoiled with this gem.

2. X-Men

Up until watching X-Men, I had never seen a Saturday morning cartoon aimed at children that tackled such adult themes. Loss, death, unrequited love, corruption, racism, and an insatiable lust for power were just a sampling of some of the darker themes covered in this groundbreaking animated series. Kids were treated to fantastic action set pieces featuring their favorite mutants and it was the talk of every elementary schoolyard. It wasn’t just the action or the characters, but the masterfully-crafted sagas and story lines that captured the attention of kids and critics alike. It was one of the latest shows to air on Fox’s Saturday morning lineup, but viewers always stuck around until it was over.

1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

There isn’t too much to say about the Ninja Turtles that I haven’t already said, but they were the definition of quality Saturday morning television. Action, suspense, comedy, and women in yellow leather were all part of the list of reasons to watch this amazing show. I don’t think I could find a single bad thing to say about the series except that getting rid of the Shredder and Krang and moving the show to CBS was a huge mistake. Other than that, the series was the definition of magnificent kids entertainment and it still reigns as a testament to the staying power of mutant animal/human hybrids.

The good news is that many of these wonderful shows are now available on Netflix streaming or DVD, and they’re well worth the investment. Take the time to watch some of your favorites again or queue them up for your own kids to enjoy. Who knows, maybe another generation could potentially become as cool and well-adjusted as us.

Yeah, right.

BONUS: One of my favorite video game cover bands, Powerglove, did an awesome album of cartoon theme songs and a few of them are relevant. For those of you interested, the album is called “Saturday Morning Apocalypse.” Take a listen.

A 90s Movies.net Editorial

Posted on May 1, 2012 by Zilla

Since the creation of 90s Movies.net, the goal of the site has been to entertain and elicit the sentiment associated with all things pop culture from the forgotten decade. It’s important to recapture that essence to combat the growing apathy and cynicism regarding our current state of existence.

The 90s always had an overwhelming feeling of intangible perfection. This was a decade of grunge rock, slick two-timing presidents, unforgettable sitcoms, colorful and nutritionally-devoid snack foods, and endless amounts of fun. Those days, before cell phones and social networking, were part of the last generation of children who discovered and appreciated life on their own terms.

When you heard a dirty word on the schoolyard, in movie theaters, or from your parents, you didn’t go home and google it to find out what it meant. You were forced to ask older kids, older siblings, or creepy homeless men outside of the local 7-11 what it meant. This overabundance of readily-available information is a detriment to society.

Kids don’t go outside anymore. As a child, I almost never spent the days indoors. Our summers were filled with neighborhood-wide games of manhunt and I knew every backyard on my street as if it were my own. Kids were allowed to be kids. I’d only come back inside for lunch, dinner, and when 9 o’clock rolled around.

You didn’t call your friend on their cell phones or text them when you wanted to hang out, you walked over to their house and knocked on the door. Their mom would make you snacks and you’d spend the rest of the day getting dirty and getting into trouble.

The only TV you watched was morning cartoons and TGIF. Video games were colorful and pixel-based and their annoyingly repetitive, electronic music was a welcome sound on a rainy day. Climbing trees, dangling your feet from branches, you felt alive. You had your first kiss in a tree house and you knew how to talk to people without using abbreviations and smiley faces.

This was a magical time and I feel like the older I get, the more I lose touch with these memories and the feelings associated with them. If there’s any cognizance after death, which I must admit I don’t believe in, then I hope it’s an eternal dream in which I relive these times. It was the careless freedom of youth where the lack of responsibility and worries made way for an endless heap of imagination and happiness. I guess we never realized how good we had it.

Tirades aside, I wanted to clarify that this site isn’t JUST about 90s movies, despite its title. It is dedicated to the atmosphere of the 90s and all of the emotions it stirs up. Good or bad, every piece of 90s pop culture produces a different set of images and each one of these images is valuable. Let me help you take a trip down memory lane and remember fondly all of those things you thought you had forgotten.

90s Movie Review: Billy Madison

Posted on April 25, 2012 by Zilla

If there’s one thing Americans love (besides fattening foods and pornography), it’s comedy. The 90s movie scene was host to hundreds of comedy films. Ranging from memorable to downright awful, there were a variety of humorous flavors to fit any taste.

One way to tell if a comedy film was memorable and successful was its quotability. If kids were repeating lines from the film ad nauseam on the schoolyard, chances are it was full of funnies. Standing atop the pile of endlessly quotable, hilarious-even-after-multiple-viewings comedy films was a humbly idiotic film called Billy Madison.

Before he lost every comedy bone in his body, Adam Sandler was full of laughs. Over a decade before the sappy romantic comedies and paint by numbers garbage he stars in nowadays, he won the hearts of America with adolescent hi jinx and a healthy dose of absurdity with Billy Madison.

In its simplest form, Billy Madison is the story of a father’s distrust and disappointment with his drunken buffoon of a son. Billy Madison’s father is the head of a super successful chain of hotels, but his son has trouble spelling the word “rock. After deciding to step down as head of the company, Billy’s father decides to name the evil snake of an associate, Eric, as his successor. Unsatisfied with this decision, Billy pleads for his father to reconsider to no avail. That is when an (arguably) brilliant plan emerges–Billy would go back to school.

Starting from kindergarten and making his way through all of the grades he goofed up his first time through, Billy would reclaim his education. Spending a few weeks on each grade, Billy was going to prove to his father that he is not a moron while simultaneously earning his high school graduation without the help of bribery.

Along the way, he meets a colorful cast of characters including a foxy young teacher named Veronica Vaughn, a homosexual ex-pro-wrestler principal, a clown with a cranial hemorrhage, and a lovable group of elementary school students.

The climax of the film comes when the evil Eric blackmails the principal into falsely accusing Billy of bribery which forces his dad to rescind their arrangement. As a last-ditch effort, Billy challenges Eric to an academic decathlon with hilarious results.

Throughout the film, nothing is taken seriously and every situation is more surreal than the next. From giant penguins to nudey magazines, this one is a keeper. With cameos by Steve Buscemi and SNL’s own Norm Macdonald and Chris Farley, there’s plenty to keep you interested. I’m assuming everyone who’s anyone has seen this movie multiple times, but if you haven’t, you’d better make it a top priority.

For the love of god, cherish it!

Overall: 5/5