Monthly Archives: August 2011

90s Video Game Review: Mortal Kombat II (SNES)

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90s moviesWhile critics insulted and panned the original Mortal Kombat, Acclaim came back to throw a much more disgusting, sadistic, fun game in their faces with this 90s video game sequel. Mortal Kombat II is simply one of the best fighting games of all time.

While the plot is pretty razor thin, it’s still somewhat interesting and worth the time to read it over on your first play through. The villains who won the original Mortal Kombat tournament have opened a portal leading to Outworld and the heroes must fight in the tournament to save the Earth from destruction.

90s moviesWhile the fatalities in the original Mortal Kombat weren’t that impressive and lacked style, the sequel spares no expense at making them bloodier, more violent, more disgusting. It’s times like these I am glad to be a gamer. Kung Lao’s fatality of slicing the opponent in half down the middle is still a gory favorite of mine. Jax also has a pretty funny one where he rips off the opponents arms as a fountain of blood sprays from the sockets. Fortunately, every character has their fair share of disgusting finishers.

90s moviesAlso, the stage-oriented finishers are pretty exciting too like uppercutting people into pits of spikes or pools of acid. Acclaim knows what their fans want.

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90s Dance Music Acapella Megamix

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There’s nothing that can punctuate a fun day and get your head bobbing like a good 90s dance song. Their infectious rhythms get inside your head and stay there while you try futilely to push them out.

Recently, I found an acapella group called Local Vocal who do a great megamix of 90s dance music.

The tunes I immediately recognize are Haddaway – “What is Love?,” Scatman John – “Scatman,” and Ace of Base – “All That She Wants.” The others all sound familiar, but I couldn’t name them right off the top of my head.

Whatever the case, the vocalists are very talented.

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Dedicated to the Ninja Turtles

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90s moviesOf all the wonderful franchises concocted by the fat, greasy, greedy swine in charge of coming up with products for children, the Ninja Turtles sit proudly at the top of the pile. Simultaneously the most entertaining 90s TV show, 90s toy brand, and 90s movie trilogy, this juggernaut of a cultural obsession showed that they were more than just Ninja Turtles. They were TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES.

Now, everyone is familiar with the origins of these adorable reptiles (hopefully), but for those who aren’t, it goes as follows. A man named Hamato Yoshi flees from Japan and ends up in New York city where, for some creepy reason, he decides to live in the sewers. One day, a careless child trips while carrying a fishbowl full of his pet turtles and spills them down into a sewer grate. Shortly thereafter, Hamato Yoshi stumbles upon the little turtle dudes while he is feeding his pet sewer rats. Curiously, the turtles are covered in a strange, glowing green ooze. The ooze is no ordinary green goo and instantly starts a strange chemical reaction in both Yoshi and the turtles. The turtles, having most recently come into contact with Yoshi, begin to turn human. Yoshi, having most recently been in contact with his pet rats, begins to turn into an overgrown, talking rat. Makes perfect sense, right?

As the turtles begin to grow and mature over the years, Yoshi trains them to master the art of ninjitsu. In addition to bestowing them with awesome ninja ass-kicking skills, Yoshi (adopting “Splinter” as his own new moniker) also gives them badass names in the spirit of his favorite renaissance painters. Donatello, Michelangelo, Raphael, and Leonardo are born.

90s moviesAlso, for good dramatic measure, an unforgettable villain is thrown into the mix. Oroku Saki, better known as the Shredder, is a thorn in Splinter’s side from back in Japan and followed him to America where he leads an evil criminal organization called the Foot Clan alongside a talking brain named Krang.

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90s Product Review: An Evil Balzac

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In the vast, dusty, wood-paneled wasteland of some cluttered suburban basement, there lies a 90s product that defies both convention and moral decency. A toy who some might even consider dangerous.

90s moviesThe folks at CATCO, the creator of this toy, did not think too logically about the potential name for their “innovative” toy when they decided to call it a Balzac. For a company to claim themselves “The kids’ company” and then release a toy named after a man’s fuzzy coin purse is beyond me. These “magic action pro balls” were so simplistic as to be unassuming, but let me assure you that there was evil contained within.

90s moviesEssentially, a Balzac was a hard canvas covering that you’d place a balloon inside of and inflate. Seems harmless, right? Don’t be so stupid. Fortunately, I have a friend who owns a few of these filthy Balzacs and I was able to swipe my own copy of the “Magic Action Pro Balls Handbook.” Contained within the pages of the Balzac lexicon are a whole host of reasons to hate all things CATCO, but I’ve decided to brave the storm and present it to you in its full form.

90s moviesHandbooks packaged with 90s toys usually didn’t come in full color, so there was no surprise that everything was in black and white. The logo was pretty minimalistic, but it proclaimed greatness. CATCO saw it fit to announce that their balloon sack was the “Official Balloon Ball.” Excuse me if I’m wrong, but shouldn’t A BALLOON be considered the only official balloon ball? Something was afoot here. Also, it’s equally disconcerting that this ball was crafted in the homeland of our asian financial overlords:

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90s Movie Review: A Goofy Movie

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When it comes to 90s movies, kids were spoiled in terms of quality and sheer volume of products, promotions, and entertainment aimed specifically at their demographic. I guess the studios knew who to pander to in order to get mom and dad out of the house and into the stores and theaters. I can remember at least 100 kids movies from my own childhood that I consider instant classics and I could probably recite most of their scripts from memory. That’s effective advertising.

Now, and I’m being honest, I’m not usually a fan of musicals. They seem so contrived and the show tunes are so agonizingly catchy that the music ends up stuck in my head, pounding around for days. I’m not so sure I want to live through that again. There is, however, a 90s musical comedy that I could never speak ill of. It’s one of the most memorable films from my youth and I still enjoy watching it every now and then. That movie, of course, is Disney’s masterful A Goofy Movie.

It’s one of the few films out their whose musical numbers I actually enjoy. They’re full of heart and they’re actually quite entertaining. Recently, I decided to pop in this classic again to relive the glory days of children’s cinema. I was pleasantly surprised with how much I still appreciate it, and that’s not just because Pauly Shore does the voice of one of the characters.

“Leaning tower of Cheese-a!”

The films overall appeal lies in the fact that it revolves around a father-son relationship between Goofy and his son Max that starts out rocky and blossoms into a mutual understanding. Heartwarming, right?

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