Being a disgustingly obese capitalist American pig, I’ve had my fair share of dealing with snack foods over the years. Whether it be prepackaged snack cakes, chips, candy, soda, or those forgotten crumbs of deliciousity known as Munch Ems, I’ve taken quite the fancy to the evolution and study of such salty, sugary, calorically-overwhelming pieces of Americana.

Some of the most-consumed products of this type from my childhood were the holy triangular pieces of scrumptious delight known only as “Doritos.” Friday night horror movie viewing parties would not be complete without a bag of these flavor-blasted tortilla treats. If you lined up the total number of bags of Doritos I’ve eaten over the course of my lifetime, you could probably reach to the moon and back. They were something special.

Part of the allure and temptation of these kind of snack foods were the devious ways in which in which they were advertised. It was not just a product they were selling to you, but a sense of belonging and “coolness.”

According to this classic Doritos ad, you would end up dancing and singing and playing a saxophone on a city fire escape to proclaim your undying love for Doritos brand snacks. Can’t say I’ve done that specifically, but I have danced around in my underwear covered in Doritos crumbs singing Meatloaf’s classic tune “Paradise by the Dashboard Light.”

The popularity and influence of these crunchy bastards is irrefutable. Doritos have even made their way into some classic, critically-acclaimed pieces of artful film work like Encino Man:

The parts I remember most vividly about Doritos from my own childhood, however, were the brightly-colored, whacky looking bags that they came in.

Back before Ranch was “Cooler Ranch” and Nacho Cheese was “Nacho Cheesier,” Doritos captivated children and adults alike with their colorful advertising and neat little transparent windows that let you see the chips inside before you bought them.

Personally, I don’t know why Doritos would decide to go backwards in terms of innovative product design and remove the translucent chip window from current iterations of Doritos bags.

I have to say, though, Doritos is moving in the right direction when it comes to wild and outlandish flavors and flavor combinations. The total number of flavors has got to number in the hundreds now (especially if you count international flavors too). I give much credit to any company willing to step outside the box and try and push unconventional flavors on society.

They really just need to bring back my all-time favorite short-lived Doritos flavor: Pizza Hut Pizza Cravers. The revisit to the flavor that has come out recently just isn’t the same.

Also, does anyone remember when Wheatables were deliciously unhealthy snack crackers as opposed to multigrain health bullshit?