90s Movie Review: Blank Check

90s moviesIt’s easy to gaze into the past and see things that you used to love as a child and to cherish them into adulthood because of your previous association and affection for them, but sometimes looking backwards in time through rose colored glasses doesn’t work. Maybe there are just some pieces of consumable media that, for whatever reason, you loved as a kid, but you grow up and realize that they’re absolute trash. Disney’s Blank Check is a perfect example of this duality of taste.

Blank Check, at its most stripped-down definition, is a film about a 12-year-old boy named Preston is given a blank check after his bike is destroyed. After doing the good, honest thing and forging the check to read $1,000,000, Preston has a ball spending the money until the gangsters he ripped off come looking for him.

However, what seems like a somewhat original premise is executed in the most paint-by-numbers, obscenely trite way onscreen.

The characters make absolutely no sense and their motivations are so muddled. Preston’s dad, for instance, is incredibly hard on the boy for not being an entrepreneur at 12 years old. His two older, meathead brothers have started their own business, but they don’t even know how to use a computer. Preston’s father lays on plenty of guilt for his lack of business savvy because, y’know, 12 year olds should be trading on Wall Street and shit.

Continue reading

90s Video Game Review: DuckTales

90s movies
It is my belief that all children are born with the DuckTales theme song within their heart. It’s such a simple, catchy, memorable song and it defines everything that Disney did right with regards to animation in the 80s and well through the 90s.


If you don’t remember the landmark cartoon, then you are without a soul and should probably find a cave somewhere to retire to and live a hermetic lifestyle until the world completely forgets about your worthless existence.

Like any successful franchise, there were numerous opportunities to make even more money off of the budding DuckTales legacy. There were toys, straight to VHS home videos, and even a video game for the Nintendo Entertainment System. This classic Capcom video game based on the DuckTales TV series is what I have decided to speak about today.

It has recently come to my attention that WayForward Technologies is developing a remastered HD remake of the game for the Wii U Nintendo eShop, Playstation Network, and the Xbox Live Arcade and is slated for a Summer 2013 release.

Continue reading

90s Movie Review: Aladdin

90s moviesWhen it comes to fairytales and folklore, there are several big ones that everyone knows by heart. Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel, and The Tortoise and the Hare are a few that come to mind. During my childhood, however, my favorite bit of folklore involved a giant, blue talking genie, a street rat, a princess, and a nefarious wizard out to seize the crown. That’s right, I’m talking about Disney’s Aladdin.

90s moviesOne of Disney’s best and most successful animated features to date, Aladdin was full of singalong songs, vibrant colors, comedic genius, and plenty of thrilling action sequences. It’s a truly a genuine adventure film with enough comedy to keep it family-friendly.

90s moviesThe most sensational character in the film, by far, is Robin Williams’ take on the Genie in the lamp. One of Robin Williams’ most inspired forays into voice acting, his timing, goofiness, and nonstop snappy comedy makes the film what it is.

90s moviesInterestingly, this film is pretty much the only time I can stand to hear Gilbert Gottfried’s voice as well. He fits well as a shrill, chatty parrot named Iago.

Continue reading

90s Movie Review: Heavyweights

90s moviesWith so many disgustingly obese, rotund, mammoth people like myself taking the world by storm, it isn’t hard to believe that there were 90s movies devoted to fatties. Of course, fat people can only be accepted by the public in comedic roles, and this film wouldn’t try to break that stereotype. This film is called Heavyweights.

Heavyweights is, quite simply, a movie about fat kids. Fat kids who were always the brunt of jokes, eaters of junk food, and constant outgrowers of clothing. It’s a family film about parents who think that sending their children to a rigorous fat camp is the only way for them to lead normal lives.

90s moviesIt’s the all-important last day of school and Gerry is a fat loaf of a child. He’s so fat that he misses his bus on the last way to school and has to run after it, waving his flabby arms in futility. Poor fat Gerry. His life gets worse when he arrives home and his parents spring the news that they’re shipping his grotesque body off to the fat-burning farm known as Camp Hope.

90s moviesReluctant at first, Gerry realizes that this camp can actually be fun. There are go karts and those giant inflatable things that you jump on to launch people into the air. Suddenly, Gerry’s “not the fat kid. Everyone’s the fat kid.” It’s also important to note that the other fat, undisciplined food addicts at the camp have smuggled in enough junk food hooch to last until the new millennium. This was going to be an awesomely bodacious summer, right? Wrong.

Continue reading

90s Movie Review: A Goofy Movie

When it comes to 90s movies, kids were spoiled in terms of quality and sheer volume of products, promotions, and entertainment aimed specifically at their demographic. I guess the studios knew who to pander to in order to get mom and dad out of the house and into the stores and theaters. I can remember at least 100 kids movies from my own childhood that I consider instant classics and I could probably recite most of their scripts from memory. That’s effective advertising.

Now, and I’m being honest, I’m not usually a fan of musicals. They seem so contrived and the show tunes are so agonizingly catchy that the music ends up stuck in my head, pounding around for days. I’m not so sure I want to live through that again. There is, however, a 90s musical comedy that I could never speak ill of. It’s one of the most memorable films from my youth and I still enjoy watching it every now and then. That movie, of course, is Disney’s masterful A Goofy Movie.

It’s one of the few films out their whose musical numbers I actually enjoy. They’re full of heart and they’re actually quite entertaining. Recently, I decided to pop in this classic again to relive the glory days of children’s cinema. I was pleasantly surprised with how much I still appreciate it, and that’s not just because Pauly Shore does the voice of one of the characters.

“Leaning tower of Cheese-a!”

The films overall appeal lies in the fact that it revolves around a father-son relationship between Goofy and his son Max that starts out rocky and blossoms into a mutual understanding. Heartwarming, right?

Continue reading